Season's Greetings

* Modern tax legislation — Tablets of stone? — Mr Justice Moses

* A fishy business at Somerset House — John Whiting.

* Pre owned assets — It's not cricket! — Matthew Hutton.

* SDLT and trust legislation — An attack on the public — Patrick Cannon and Malcolm Gunn.

* The Budget — Or a nursery rhyme? — Andrew Hubbard.

* The US presidential election and tax — Mike (Harry) Truman.

* Blame storming: sitting in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, who was responsible and who is an idiot.

* Assmosis: the process of absorbing success and promotion by kissing up to the boss, rather than working hard.

* Swipeout: an ATM or credit card that has become useless because the magnetic stripe is worn away from extensive use.

* Irritainment: TV and other media spectacles that are annoying but compelling.

'High on a hillside a shepherd is tending his flock when a BMW races up the track towards him. A young man in an expensive suit gets out and says, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in the flock, will you let me have one?". The shepherd agrees so the young man gets out a laptop, attaches it to a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, compiles a complicated spreadsheet then tells the farmer "You have 1,586 sheep".

'"Correct", says the farmer. The young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car.

'"Now," says the shepherd, "if I guess what your job is can I have my animal back?"

'"Sure", says the young man.

'"You are a management consultant", says the shepherd.

'"How did you guess that?" says the young man.

'"Easy," says the shepherd, "you turned up though nobody wants you here, you want to be paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my animal!"'

* 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

* 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

* 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

* 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now "'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall …".'

* 'We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

* 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity or failing that, give it to me.'

* 'During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced, "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen … unfortunately towels are not provided".'

* 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST! … Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care — I'm going home.'

* 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with "please hold the doors open". The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

* 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

* 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of "stand clear of the doors" don't you understand?'

* 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

'Our vicar was winding down his Sunday service. At the back of the church, members of the parish committee stood to go to the village hall and prepare snacks for the congregation.

'Seeing them get up, the vicar singled them out for praise, "before they all slip out", he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear".'

* You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. You spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

* Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

* Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

* Children seldom misquote you. In fact they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

* The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself there are children more awful than your own.

* We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

'A friend's young daughter saw a television program about a cattery and decided she wanted to collect animals herself. She noticed the abundance of insects in the garden and soon had an array of matchboxes and jam jars full of the creatures. Showing them to her mother she proudly exclaimed, "look mum, I've started my own buggery".'

* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car is not called a racist?

* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

* If lawyers are disbarred and a clergyman unfrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?