A Christmas Compendium

JOHN T NEWTH FCA, FTII, FIIT, ATT provides some light relief at the festive season.

THIS YEAR'S SEASONAL selection commences with two items which have at least some relevance to tax work, both having appeared on AccountingWEB during the year. After that, like all good Christmas parties, we shall digress far and wide with some schoolboy howlers and other frivolities. We must not be too hard on the perpetrators of these; even Taxation once noted that a Finance Bill had received Royal Ascent!

Revenue acronyms

An anonymous respondent worked for the Inland Revenue in the 1980s, when the department was in the throes of computerisation. This led to a number of new acronyms.

First there was the computerisation of PAYE (COP), followed by computerisation of Schedule D assessments (CODA). However, computerisation of corporation tax assessments (COCTA) was felt to be too risqué, so this became on-line corporation tax assessments (OCTA).

The issue of batches of Schedule D assessments prior to computerisation was known as Principal Assessing Program (PAP). This was briefly changed, after computerisation to Computer Related Assessing Program, until someone spotted the unsuitability of that description.

Another respondent referred to the (perhaps apocryphal) story regarding the early 1990s, when the Revenue was deluged with work on unanswered letters. A system of work called 'Post In Strict Sequential Order Filed First' was not proceeded with.

New accounting terms

In view of the recent 'events' in the corporate world, the following accounting terms have been given new meanings:

The next series of items relate to business and family life, education and holidays. Readers can draw their own conclusions.

More motoring madness

These are new excuses for car accidents recorded on claim forms and collected by Norwich Union for the company's annual Christmas magazine:

• 'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.'
• 'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.'
• 'This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

• 'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.'
• 'I knew the dog was possessive about the car, but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.'
• 'The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.'
• 'A lorry backed through my windscreen into my wife's face'.
• 'In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'
• 'I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.'
• 'My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.'
• 'An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.'

More things children say

Readers of SAGA magazine contributed these children's howlers to the January 2002 issue of the magazine:

• Having many wives is called polygamy. Having one is called monotony.
• The population of London is very dense.
• Henry VIII had an abbess on his knee which made walking difficult.
• Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• A herbaceous border is a lodger who is fond of greens.
• Nelson fought his battle in Trafalgar Square.
• Wordsworth went to the Lake District as a young man and soon became intimate with the local beauties.
• They gave the Duke of Wellington a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer.
• Joseph was very upset because an angel told him he was to marry a blessed Virginian.
• The Matterhorn was the horn blown by the Ancient Britons when there was something the matter.
• King Alfred fought hard all his life to keep back the Dames.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

When schoolchildren were asked to correct the sentence, 'The toast was drank in silence' this was one child's response - 'The toast was eat in silence'.

Another child, listing the Ten Commandments, wrote - 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'.

A good Catholic education

Children from a Catholic school were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. The following are some of the results. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals came on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone'.
• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
• St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

International signs

Going on holiday? Be careful - you might encounter one of these signs. Once again, spelling is left uncorrected.

• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
• Information booklet about using a hotel air-conditioner, Japan: Cooles and heates if you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
• Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigour.
• In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who fine our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
• Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
• Tokyo hotel's regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
• Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.
• Hotel, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
• Hotel lift, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.
• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contactors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
• Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Issue: 3888 / Categories: